Those were my feelings summed up after a long time of keeping it inside me. I don’t know what would my friends think. I don’t know what will happen in the future. I just want to clear my thoughts because I believe maybe my brain will give me a better decision. I’ll just need to dig it deeper, maybe it’s inside my medulla oblongata or something. Ugh hate these feelings and really really hate choosing more than anything! Right now, it sucks to be me.

I don’t really know how this has happened to me. Our summer class went by so fine and fortunately we did pass all our courses and everything was, I suppose, well. And then enrollment comes and now I have to choose. I hate choosing. Especially when the options were both important to me and it’ll be hard to abandon the other choice. It’s not just me. I won’t do that to a friend who’s very dear to me. I really really need to confess the truth now, no matter how painful it is or how my friends would react. I just needed it out. Because maybe, just maybe, it’ll lessen all the burdens I’m carrying right at this moment. You see, I don’t care anymore! It’s getting worse and childish. 

This summer, I had this agreement with a friend about changing our plans for the next semester. I don’t know, maybe we just want it due to personal reasons which I considered badly and I thought that would be my final decision. Everything went smoothly after we’d decided such plans and we never had problems regarding it. Until recently. My oh-so-accurate-spreading-information school made us believed that May 28 was the enrollment so we, as students rushed to get ourselves enrolled and finalize all work to do, but unfortunately enrollment was moved to June 4. How awesome. (I just got back from Catanduanes at the time and I remember rushing and going gaga just to get myself enrolled. Man, I was so pissed.) Anyways, because we just had seen each other after a week, my circle of friends and I had this amazing bonding and that made me realized that I need more time with them. That I’m so happy when I’m with them and how it felt so natural. Like a small part of me was back. I’m not saying that I’m not happy with my other friend’s company. I just missed my old friends and I want to spend more time with them, too. And that made me confused on what to choose for next semester.

You’ll might say that we can be all classmates in one section and then problem solved but no, we can’t do it again. Been there, done that and believe me, that’s not the best idea. First, we already had this issue way back sophomore year that involved my other friend and her attitude. My circle of friends don’t like her very much, I mean I think they don’t hate her but they don’t like her either. We had solved that problem (I suppose) and had this discussion among us and everyone told everyone all their feelings about each other. Then came 3rd year. A very tough year. My other friend and I spent so much time with each other because we had these common interests and likes and I think that made my other friends think that I’m neglecting them. That made me sad. There are so many reasons why sometimes I don’t get them and my other friend’s always there for me. And there are tons of reasons why I want to stick with my circle of friends, too. I just can’t leave them. We’ve made so many memories together that it makes me guilty to just ditch them. It’s not right. When they’re expecting that I’ll join them until the end. But I feel bad for my other friend, too. She’d been through so much pain and judgments and leaving her hanging was the least thing that’s she’s expecting me to do. And I don’t want to disappoint her or my other friends. I just can’t decide.

I don’t know what to choose. I’m trapped. I just want to disappear. I’m thinking of not choosing either one of them but if I did that, I’ll make a hypocrite out of myself and I know somehow I’ll lose them. They might not feel the same way about me but I know they value me enough not to let me go. And I don’t want that to happen. Please Lord, help me gather my thoughts. I’m also thinking of making an open forum regarding the subject but it’s just useless. You can’t force people do what they don’t want to do. It’s nonsense. I’m just praying that whatever decision I’ll make, I hope I won’t have to regret it. I know God will find a way for me. And I know, this too shall pass.

(via astropenguin)